Tuning into Monday Night RAW from June 6th, 1994, is like firing up a classic car – you expect a certain level of performance, but sometimes you get unexpected quirks. Vince McMahon and Randy Savage are in the host seats, much like seasoned mechanics guiding us through the show’s nuts and bolts.
Lumberjack King of the Ring Qualifier: Tatanka vs. Crush
This match between Tatanka and Crush is like watching two engines sputter and stall. Crush starts strong, aggressively working over Tatanka. He throws Tatanka to the outside, and the lumberjacks, like a pit crew gone rogue, toss him right back in – talk about unsportsmanlike conduct! Crush locks in a chinlock, a real grind, before shifting gears with a bodyslam. A missed knee drop by Crush, and suddenly the crowd noise explodes – fake as a three-dollar bill, but loud nonetheless. It’s like someone cranked up the engine noise in post-production.
Back from the break, and Tatanka is wrenching on Crush’s arm with an armbar. Vince is still hyping Crush like he’s a multi-title winner already – classic over-promising, like a dealership guaranteeing unrealistic MPG. Now Crush reverses into his own armbar, and these lumberjacks are more interested in the wrestling action than the “fans” are. Crush keeps working the arm, almost like he’s trying to diagnose a tricky suspension issue. But Tatanka, seemingly bored with this armbar clinic, decides it’s time for a comeback. The CHOP OF DOOM gets a near fall, but Crush shuts him down with an atomic drop for another two count. And wouldn’t you know it, back to the ARMBAR. This isn’t just any armbar; it’s the kind where both wrestlers are just laying there, reminiscent of a couple of old jalopies parked on the side of the road.
Just when you think this match couldn’t drag on any longer, WE GO TO ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK?! Tatanka rallies with chops, but Crush quickly reasserts control with a fist drop for two. Then, you guessed it, back to the FACELOCK. Vince calls it a “romp ’em stomp ’em” match – is that good or bad? It’s like describing a car as “runs and drives” – technically accurate, but doesn’t inspire confidence. Crush hits a suplex for another near fall, but then Tatanka throws him into the babyface lumberjacks, and chaos ensues. In a bizarre turn, Crush starts BEATING UP the babyfaces. It’s like your anti-lock brakes kicking in at the worst possible moment. With the supposed good guys unable to handle Crush 10-on-1, Lex Luger sprints from the locker room and takes out Crush with a loaded forearm. Tatanka gets the pin after a grueling 25 minutes (with commercials!). This match was a mess – boring, made the babyfaces look weak, and relied on blatant cheating for the finish. Rating: *1/2 – about as reliable as a car with a salvage title.
King of the Ring Report
Roddy Piper sends in another video message instead of showing up in person. It’s like getting a virtual diagnostic instead of a real mechanic – convenient, but not quite the same.
Bam Bam Bigelow vs. John Paul
Bam Bam Bigelow hits the ring, and the announcers immediately start burying the Flintstones movie. For some reason, the 1994 WWF commentary team had a vendetta against this film. They’re focusing on the “Bam Bam Flintstones Movie Before Haircut” phrase, almost like it’s some kind of inside joke or a bizarre marketing campaign they didn’t understand. Turns out, The Flintstones movie was a box office smash, making more than all WWE movies combined – maybe Vince should have been taking notes instead of trash-talking. Bigelow misses a splash, and Paul briefly works the arm, but Bammer quickly ends things with a senton in 2:30. A quick squash, like an express oil change.
Earlier today, WWF wrestlers participate in a tug of war with the army to celebrate the 50th anniversary of D-Day. They don’t even let the army win! It’s like a car commercial where the truck pulls a heavier load than advertised – a bit unbelievable.
The King’s Court with “Roddy Piper”.
It’s not Roddy Piper, but the kid impersonator again. Vince acts shocked at the switcheroo, as if he didn’t see this coming. It’s like being promised a premium service and getting a knock-off brand instead. The kid’s Piper impression is decent for a moment, but the segment drags on, portraying “Piper” as cowardly.
Razor Ramon vs. Keith Davis
Keith Davis enters, and he looks suspiciously like a young Jeff Hardy with a Vanilla Ice haircut. Definitely rocking that early 90s style, pre-“haircut” if you will. Razor Ramon just dominates this kid, giving him zero offense and finishing him with a backdrop suplex and the Razor’s Edge in 4:00. A total squash match – like a high-performance car effortlessly outclassing a rusty old beater.
Next week: The Quebecers get a tag title rematch in their last WWF match for a while! Ted Dibiase promises The Undertaker will be on Superstars this weekend. It’s like teasing upcoming models and features – keeping you hooked for the next episode.
